Why Me?

This post is overdue. I've known I needed to write it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Vulnerability is not an easy thing for me as I discussed in my first post and now I feel in order to be honest I must be even more vulnerable. The thing is, I've been really angry lately. Angry that I have to go through this, angry at those who do not, angry that others do not understand, angry that some do not appreciate what they have, and just angry in general. I've never liked being angry. Even in the midst of my anger, I've always felt uncomfortable and disgusted with myself. Now I know that some anger is healthy and justified, but I just do not like the feeling of anger. But this has been different. I've actually wanted to embrace my anger, to hold on to it, to use it in some way to my advantage. As I began to realize my shift in direction about anger it certainly scared me somewhat. As I've continued to process this I think the answer is fairly simple, it's easier to be angry than to feel the hurt, depression, and despair.

Before recognizing my shift in anger, I'd been experiencing a lot of anxiety, depression, and general despair about my life. These feelings were too much, too real, too close. Anger has become the solution. It was actually pretty easy to redirect myself given my job, my social and family life, and my amazing ability to distract myself. Anger is interesting that way, it gives you the ability to direct the feelings that were welling up inside and direct them outward toward others so you do not have to "deal" with them anymore.

Instead of being sad every time I saw a facebook post about how great it is to be a mom, I could be angry that I haven't been given this same opportunity. Instead of crying after every social gathering revolving around children and families, I can be angry that the world has treated me unfairly. Instead of being empathetic to a struggling client, I can be angry that these parents do not deserve their children and I'm the one stuck being infertile. So much easier than letting those feelings inside my heart and mind or so I thought.

Anger only seems easier, but in all truth it's just as difficult. The end result is the same no matter what emotion I allow myself to experience. I'm hurting because I cannot get something that I want so desperately and it is out of my control to fix it. Out of my control. Those are difficult words for me to utter. For those who know me, there is a significant pattern in my life of needing to be in control. I've been in therapy several times due to my inability to control my entire world. I'd thought that I had made progress over the years in learning to "let go" and "be okay" when I cannot do anything about it, but the struggle is a daily one. Most recently I had an epiphany that the opposite of control is not letting go, but being vulnerable. Vulnerability to allow yourself to be seen by others for who you are and what you are and are not capable of doing. The ability to let things be the way they are even when they are not the way you want. This is incredibly difficult and I'm not good at it yet, but just realizing this position has helped me feel some release from these overwhelming emotions.

It is still a battle every day, but I feel more equipped to handle it now and that is a win.