Patience is a virtue. Especially when it comes to being patient with yourself.

I wrote the following paragraph over a month ago now:

Another 4 weeks, another failed procedure. I’m spent. Physically, emotionally, mentally, just utter exhaustion. I’ve actually being having a pretty big pity party for myself this week. It’s crazy how easy we can justify anything when we really want to. It’s not that I think I shouldn’t allow myself to be sad and upset and work through the healthy emotions that surround a difficult life situation, but rather the things I let myself get away with while going through it. I justify bad eating habits, laziness, irritability toward others, even poor hygiene sometimes. Even as a therapist I let myself slip into the mindset of “it’s just my depression” or “I just need to check out today, I’ll do better tomorrow.”  I come up with all sorts of reasons why it’s okay for me to indulge or slack off. Then I face my guilt for doing so, which takes a whole new toll on my mind, body, and spirit. It’s a dangerous cycle, dangerous because it’s so easy to slip into and then forget how to get out again.

However, I never posted it. I never posted it because I wanted to add more, I wanted to follow up with some amazing revelation about how to get out of that cycle. That revelation never came and weeks passed and I ignored that I ever wrote those words. Today I knew I had to sit down and read those words again. I had to be reminded of the cycle, of how easy it is to get stuck and that’s what I am right now, stuck.

I’m learning though. I’m learning the balance of allowing myself the pain, the frustration, the need for a moment away, without allowing myself to use it to justify every bad habit, behavior, and thought. It’s an everyday battle. I’m terrible at those. I’m more of a “identify the problem, fix it, and move on” personality type (also known as Type A…). It’s just not that simple when it comes to this problem. I wish it was, I wish I could discover that big revelation I was waiting for a month ago and move on from this, but instead I have to embrace it. I have to be okay with “good enough.” That’s where I’m at. I’m doing what I can and settling for “good enough.” That’s really all we can ever do no matter the situation. But I’m sitting here behind the screen telling all of you, it’s the most difficult lesson I’ve had to learn to date. So I’m going to exercise my best patience with myself and charge forward. I’m going to trust that someday I will learn to embrace this lesson fully and enjoy a fuller, more relaxed, satisfied life.

I wish the same for all of you. Thanks for tracking with me on this journey. I’m humbled by you all.