It's Not All About Me

I’m sitting here struggling to begin this post. I have so many jumbled thoughts in my head about it, but no good way to put them all in order. I think this is because there are so many directions to go all at the same time. I want to make sure I write everything down because I do not want to lose these insights, but I cannot seem to make it coherent! So I ask that you bear with me as I work through this one today.

There are days where I cannot get out of my own head. I can get triggered by one small thing and it turns into an all day shift in my thinking, acting, emoting. I can very easily get caught up in how “alone” I am on this journey. I’ve even been angry about this feeling of being alone before. But the truth is, I am not alone. I have a partner who is on this journey with me.  

My husband and I have had many discussions about our situation. They started out with him being the cheerleader on my bad days. They took a turn to logistics, expectations, scheduling. They’ve progressed to grieving our situation together. There has never been a day that has been easy during this journey, but in every difficult moment when I realize he is by my side, I know I can get through it. Of course we have been far from perfect. In fact, I think we’ve had some of our worst fights around this issue. But they were only that bad because they were so emotionally charged. We’ve experienced this journey in very different ways, which has to be expected to cause some discord. As a woman, I feel as though I’m failing part of my purpose in life. As the man, he wants to fix it. These emotions can clash effortlessly. During this whole thing, I keep thinking about how easy of a breaking point this journey could be for a marriage. I know it happens, I’ve read the statistics, I’ve known acquaintances it’s happened to in fact. But the most amazing thing has happened for us, we’ve never been closer, more in love, and more determined to achieve a goal together. He has been there every step of the way, even at the doctor’s office holding my hand after only an hour of sleep, because he knew how important it was for me to have him there. He’s worked hard to take other stressors off of me because he knows how taxing this daily journey is for me. He’s also simply listened when I needed to get all my crazy out, and I have a lot of crazy! I do not know why we are going through this, but I can at least see the great things coming out of it in the meantime. I cannot imagine going through this journey or this life without my amazing, loving, and supportive husband.

I do not think I tell him enough how much I appreciate him. It’s difficult to keep up with all the wonderful things he does for me. I’ve never felt more loved in my life. I’m so thankful for him even at my most distraught. I hope this helps him understand that a little more. I hope that I have been as supportive and caring toward him during this time as well, but if we are keeping score, I’d have to be honest and say that he’s winning J